Superfortress superficiality

I have yet to determine whether I’m going to use this site as a mirror for my particular reality, or for educational purposes. I do know that I pack a lot of wisdom and honestly feel it to be my mission to bestow it upon mankind, or at least the blogosphere (or at the very least, Jim, and that other guy next door). Common sense, as well as my parole officer would disapprove, but I reckon I’ll be posting a little bit of both. So, in a bold mixture of reflexivity and knowledge, I present you with a story of what I learned over the past couple of months, so that you too may bathe in the radiance of Smart.

So – the archaeology exam went surprisingly well, against all expectations, and the victory beers tasted as bittersweet as ever. All in all, I received a decent grade with little to no effort. However there was one thing I learned during the course, and for that one thing I am in eternal gratitude to the professor.

That one thing was… Oppidium.

Oppidium? Oppidium.

That, my dear readers, is a word the sound of which alone will surge your testicles with a thousand milligrams of pure, undiluted testosterone. Oppidium is a word so mighty it’s mere utterance has the power to impregnate women a mile away. That’s because the Oppidium was hands down the single manliest structure ever made.

I am not exactly sure of how the scientists define “Oppidium”, but I like to define it as Mancrushing Killfortress of Death. The power of Oppidium lies in the fact that it gave simple savages the balls (and means) to take on the Roman empire, and oh my god they took on the Roman empire!

Unless you are a college drop-out (which my statistics tell me you most likely are), the Romans were essentially the Americans of the B.C. era, minus the A.C.L.U. And when the mighty Romans asked the Oppidium’s to join them, the latter flat out refused.

“That’s with a capital ‘O’, bitch.”

Now, some of you may argue and say nonsense like “but Oppidium was a type of Roman fortress!” Preemptively, I’d like to tell those people to go and get their facts but more importantly, heads in general, checked. Preferably at an institution. I personally recommend Riverside Asyleum, the doctors there have excellent bedside manners and they are super discreet. Ask nurse Wendy for “flava’”, she’ll know what you mean (hint: it’s a blowjob).

In short, however, and without the sass – Oppidiums were there far before the Romans got their child-molesting hands on them.

The Oppidium type fortress was as ingenious as it was cruel. The settlement would be surrounded, not by a pitiful stone wall, but by walls made of earth. Anyone who’s suffered a head trauma in their childhood, subsequently having played “push-the-sand with-your-head” for hours at end, can tell you that soil is a bitch to move. Wooden fences can be burned and stone walls toppled, but earthen ramparts don’t roll that way. You push them, and they push the fuck back. Frankly, I don’t even know why we ever gave up on those things.

Oh. Right.

Since any potential attackers would not even have attempted to breach the walls (again, head traumas notwithstanding) – walls that were in effect made of the planet itself – they would’ve had to go for the gates. And that is where death awaited.

In order to reach the gate, the attackers would have had to walk into a murderous pathway, a linear holloway surrounded by earthen walls, all the while being bombarded from above with flaming tar and poop. That, ladies and gentlemen, is no way to die. On the top of that, Oppidiums were not just mere forts – they were large scale self-sustained settlements, impervious to drawn-out sieges as their supplies were hauled in by unicorns and dreams. Presumably.

Honestly, I cannot think of a single way of making the Oppidium more formidable, cunning and devious than it already is. Unless of course…

Oppidium Prime!

As history tells us, the Romans eventually had to adopt the clever design out of fear for the heinous walking Oppidiums. As far as the original Celtic deathfortresses are concerned, they eventually simply let the Romans walk in after they got sick of all the wailing of the impotent Roman legions outside their gates [citation needed].

It is unfortunate that I was not asked about the mighty Oppidiums on the exam. For this, I surely would’ve aced it. Instead I was asked about neolithic pottery. Which is exactly as formidable as it sounds.