Avatar Blues

Recently I was lead to an entertaining story on CNN. It appears that [sarcastic apostrophe alert] “genius director” James Cameron’s latest “masterpiece”, a “marvel” of CGI, “Avatar”, has made bigger of an impact on the “film’s” fans than anticipated. Apparently some fans were so impressed with the “breathtakingly” ”beautiful” and “lifelike” world of Pandora that after the screening they experienced a bad case of “Avatar blues”. Some would call this “cultural criticism”. I call it “stupid”. One fan comments:

“I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in “Avatar”.”

Mother fucker. No, just – go ahead, fucking do it. No really, please. There is not enough water to go around on this planet for the six billion of us, and since you were apparently easily fooled into making life-altering philosophical commitments by mediocre 3D graphics, you are clearly unfit to live. Besides, I heard Heaven is introducing them vector-graphics as we speak. Not that you’d be going to Heaven. You’d almost certainly be going to Hell, a place that is these days exclusively reserved for people with bad taste.

You have failed at life. Do me a favour and end it now – I find suicide funny. Granted, not as funny as a “suicide attempt”, because “attempt” implies failure, but it’s amusing nonetheless.

What is truly interesting about this case is that the person actually hopes to be rebirthed in a world that up until two years ago existed solely in James Cameron’s head. Talk about a mindfuck, ZZZING!

But seriously, and returning to my point about sanitary suicide – I am surprised that someone would even contemplate an act as substantial as suicide, leading himself by philosophical belief-system he made up in his head after watching a Hollywood production. But then again, who am I to judge? In fact, I’d like to help all those suffering from “Avatar blues” by converting this website into a suicide booth of sorts. So come on everybody – Pandora awaits!

Here’s what you do:

1 – concentrate your eyes on this sign: <BANG HEAD HERE>

2 – Violently fling your head at the screen.

3 – Repeat until lights go out/reason returns.

To be fair, I have not seen “Avatar”. To be unfair, I don’t really want to see it, because I like my eyes. You could argue and say I don’t have to watch the 3D eyefuck-candy, but then what would be the point? And if I’m gonna ruin my sight, I’d rather wait til they came up with “Avatar 2: Going Commando”. Or ruin my eyes with alcohol, or drugs instead. Or both. Does alcohol affect eyesight? (And where is my keyboard?)

Perhaps one more thing to say about “Avatar”, before I banish it back to the lavatories of Hell from whence it came, is that even if I were to somehow understand the unreasonable sense of disappointment with our (great) human civilization provoked by watching this film, I must say that these feelings are horribly, horribly misguided.

The concept of the “noble savage” is not a new one. In fact, it’s very old. And like many old things, it has long found itself residing in philosophy’s waste bin. To put it in less eloquent terms – the Na’vi are not innocent cat-people living in harmony with their environment. Instead they, like most savages,  probably embrace casual murder, infanticide and random and misguided acts of destruction against their own property. If I were to bring out any heroes from “Avatar”, then…

GO MARINES!

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